How to Send Mail in Ghana

1. Be invited as the guests of honour to a ceremony inducting you as adopted citizens of a rural village (whom you will pay to feed, in your honour), and be adorned with 5.6 kilograms of ceremonial Kente cloth and jewellery which, unfortunately, they don’t want back.

2. Hitchhike to Accra (because your host and volunteer coordinator have failed to organize your means of escape) and find the location of the nearest, largest post office on your map.

3. Don’t go to that post office. Instead go to two, smaller, satellite offices conveniently located at opposite ends of the city (the second one because you got lost).

4. Be given directions to the post office you should have gone to in the first place. Go there via hot, slow, jammed-in-traffic tro-tro.

5. Alight from tro-tro and head in the opposite direction than you intended. Accidentally find post office anyway.

6. Enter through front entrance and allow attendant to inspect package (of said Kente cloth) by throwing it over a 10-foot-high glass partition. Parcel is too heavy. Have man throw it back and direct you around back.

7. Go around back, through a dodgy back alley, and enter Ghana circa 1920, minus anything that worked properly, plus 90 years of grime. Congratulations, you are now ready to start sending your package.

8. Approach window #1 for inspection of goods you intend to send. Unroll all carefully rolled goods and re-roll. Be sent to window #2.

9. Wait at window #2 for man who will wrap goods.

10. Have man at window #2 unroll and inspect all carefully rolled goods.

11. Buy wrapping from stall outside and try to convince man #2 to wrap goods, since you’re lacking tape and only trying to follow the instructions of his counterpart at window #1.

12. Wait.

13. Fill out a pink card with destination and return addresses of your parcel while you wait for man #2 to wrap someone else’s parcel.

14. Watch #2 mummify your parcel in tape.

15. Return to #1 and wait for instructions.

16. Buy snack.

17. Return to window #2 to retrieve pink card and take card to window #1.

18. Wait, because about four other people are at various stages of this process too.

19. Fill out ledger.

20. Take ledger as instructed to #2 and get advice on how to fill out or maybe just get a confused look and go back to #1.

21. Wait.

22. Weigh the package and have #1 do suspect mental math to determine the price.

23. Pay.

24. Wait.

25. Leave. You’re done!